The S[kc]eptic's Dictionary—2006 Issue

Skeptical definitions of "paranormal terminology" used to obscure truth. Brought to you by the US Geological Survey—Miami & The US Skeptical Cult, Ltd. to readers of this, ah, authoritative dictionary.

Atlantis—fictional story of fictional place related by fictional person (Plato) involving other fictional places (Egypt, Sais, Greece, Mediterranean, Atlantic Ocean), other fictional people (Critias, Solon, etc.), and many fictional events proven to be impossible (ocean travel). In the story, an island empire begun by Poseidon (fictional god)—supposedly located in the Atlantic Ocean (also a fictional place at that time)—attempted to enslave the lands of the Mediterranean. The Greeks battled the Atlanteans, but a series of catastrophic events (coming from the sky) destroyed Atlantis around 9600 BC. While the story tells of a continent lying on the other side of the Atlantic—that could be reached by hopping from island to island—everyone knew until about 1492 that nothing but the dangerous edge of the flat world (a huge waterfall) existed in the Atlantic. In addition, geologists have conclusively proven that catastrophic events do not happen suddenly. There are no catastrophic events that happen in a single day and night. Such events take millions of years to happen. Atlantis never existed. The first civilization emerged only 5000 years ago on land over there somewhere. Everything else is poppycock or beachrock.

beachrock—best-known as being misunderstood as Atlantis. Beachrock is rock that forms on a beach but it is seen as Atlantis by nongeologists (pseudoscientists). It is the explanation of nearly all paranormal events. Beachrock is "Mystic" and has special powers. It facilitates nudism and pornography (see below).

Bimini—small Bahamas island lying 50-miles from where I am in Florida. It is not Atlantis. It is natural beachrock. Since the USGS proved it is natural beachrock no one goes there. It is empty and devoid of boats. The modern harbor built by Columbus is empty.

Cuba—big island 100 miles from Florida. It is not Atlantis. It is natural beachrock.

harbor (ancient)—non-existent or hoaxed places where ignorant archaeologists have misinterpreted natural beachrock formations as places where hoaxed ancient boats might have moored. The Mediterranean is said to have had hundreds of them, but the US Geologial Survey has shown that all of them are natural beachrock by saying so. Nothing is "archaeological" unless we say it is. Only geologists can determine this. Archaeologists are incompetent as geologists and archaeologists. Before 1492 no one had boats. Columbus built the first boat. Anything unusual found in his harbors was dropped from a boat after 1492. It was Columbus who dropped anchors everywhere. He had too many anchors because he built a boat.

hoax—"hoe" "x"—all evidence put forth by non members of the skeptical cult. It is usually made up lies to sell books and make someone famous. Nothing non-skeptics say is true. It's a hoax.

nudism (nudist)—the phenomenon of an overwhelming desire or irresistable impulse to take off one's clothing when the individual believes he or she is near Atlantis. It happens all the time and is easy to see, see? Verified and proven by the US Geological Survey, but we hid our USGS logo when we looked at the nudists. (Also see "pornography.") (E. Shinnu, 2005).

paranormal—an explanation invoked by psuedoscientists who do not accept the beachrock explanation for phenomena. So-called "paranormal" events are all related to beliefs in Atlantis and mystic beachrock.

plasma—mysterious term invoked by pseodoscientists to explain anything they want to create as a mystery in order to sell books or become famous; for example—"blood plasma" or "plasma physics." The term is used to imply that the effects of something that does not exist—something that can't be seen—can be maybe measured, observed or explained by saying, "it is a plasma." A "wind plasma" is said to have an odor and sometimes make noise, but deaf people with severe nasal congestion supposedly are immune to its effects. Plasmas do not exist. Geologists know this, so you must agree--see "pseudoscientist". One exception occurs, a "spotted wind plasma" can occasionally be verified if one takes the trouble. The intestinal prescription drug fat-blocker known as "Xenical" causes the phenomena. Xenical is known to be beachrock. You must experience "nudism" to observe the effect so you must go to Atlantis to see it.

Plato—pen name of popular fiction writer who allegedly existed sometime around 400 BC or so. He lied a lot and can't be trusted. Nothing he said is true, so it doesn't matter if he is quoted correctly or we make a detail up. He never existed and wasn't a geologist, anyway. Plus, people back then couldn't get a bachelors degree in biology and say they were geologists who really know the truth.

pornography—shown by the US Geological Service to be related to Atlantis beliefs. People who believe in Atlantis are nudists who make porno. Atlantis believers are minorities who have no education. (E. Shinnu, 2005).

pseudoscientist—anyone who disagrees with the the pronouncements of the official skeptical cult. This is intuitively obvious.

pyramid—natural formation found around the world mistakenly believed to have been created by humans. The so-called "Great Pyramid" at Giza is actually a natural limestone formation caused by 30 to 40 years of erosion. A well-known hoax uncovered by the US Geological Survey eventually proved it is natural beachrock as are other alleged pyramids around the world.

rorschach—test named after Rorschach. It means that people who want to see Atlantis at Bimini will see it. It does not mean the opposite. People who do not want to see Atlantis—anywhere—still can see what is actually there--natural beachrock. Applies only to pseudoscientists, not skeptical cult members. Psychologists do not accept this definition but they aren't geologists.

scientist—an educated person who knows everything and is an expert on everything—assuming he or she agrees with the skeptical cult ideas. James "The Amazing" Randi is maybe the premiere scientist in the world--except for USGS employees who have a bachelor's degree in biology but are called "geologists." His pronouncements on such diverse topics as archaeology, physics, Atlantis, UFOs, Bimini, psi, Uri Geller, and psychics are the words of god—and should be accepted as such. No one else in the world is as educated and knowledgeable and anyone who disagrees with him is a charlatan and psuedoscientist. All geologists are scientists and are therefore as all-knowing as Randi as long as they agree with him.

Thera (aka Santorini)—proven to inspiration for Plato's Atlantis story because we say so. It blew up. Plato saw it blow up and decided to publish a story about it to fund his floundering skool and pay for his internet porno downloads. He decided to hide the fact that Thera was the basis of the story by lying and saying it was bigger than it really was and placing it in the Atlantic Ocean and saying that another continent was on the other side of the Atlantic. (A lucky guess.) He also decided to add a zero (0) to all details of the story to hide the dates. Plato knew that Thera was Atlantis but wanted to sell books and get on TV and write a screenplay.

UFO—"you"-"ef"-"oh"—unidentified flying object. Anything allegedly reported by people who want to see extraterrestrial aliens. But if the "aliens" are already here, they then cannot, by definition, still be extraterrestrial. UFOs do not exist. They are clouds or birds or hoaxes. Beachrock is sometimes described as a UFO.